I am Unlovable
In the past two blog posts we have discussed core beliefs and how greatly they affect us in our day-to-day lives. This blog post looks at a particularly hurtful negative and inaccurate core belief and gives one train of thought to help us disrupt it.
Many of us hold a core belief so hurtful that it is hard for us to even acknowledge that it is there. But in our darkest times when we feel like we can't go on, it often slips out in phrases like, “no one loves me, “ “no one will ever love me, “ and “if I was just more ___________ then he/she would love me.”
I am unlovable.
Just reading it can hurt if you hold this core belief. And because it is something that has been guarded and built up over time, it is difficult to combat it. But the next time you find yourself stuck in the idea that you are unlovable, consider this:
Think about a child that you love very much.
It could be your own child. It could be a niece, nephew, cousin, sibling, godchild.
Think about the first time that you saw this child. What did you think about him or her? Did you marvel at the tiny toes and fingers? Did you ooh and ahh over every move they made? Did you love them? You did. Instantly.
What made them worthy of love? Was it something they did or didn't do? No. They were a human being. They existed. This made them instantaneously worthy of love.
Now fast forward a few years to when this child was or will be a toddler. Toddlers are difficult. Their favorite word is no. They have meltdowns over the littlest things. They draw on walls with crayon. They eat lipstick if they can reach it. But they also want to snuggle in your lap. They pick you flowers. They give you kisses.
Is there anything that toddler can or cannot do to make them unworthy of love? I bet your shaking your head no right now. Because there is no behavior that the toddler can have or cannot have which changes their inherent worthiness to be loved. They are still a human being. They still exist.
Now let's fast forward again a few years, and this child is a teenager. Teenagers are even harder than toddlers in some ways. They don't necessarily want to be seen with you. They're moody. They're smelly. They are pretty sure they know everything there is to know and they are willing to argue about it at the drop of a hat. But they hollar “love you” back through the door as they are going out. And when something goes absolutely terribly wrong, they come to you for comfort.
Is there anything that teenager can or cannot do to make them unworthy of love? No matter what behaviors they might have, you still love them. They are still a human being. They still exist.
Let's jump ahead a few more years. This child is now an adult. They are trying to make their way through the mess that is the years when you are independent. Maybe they date someone you don't like. Maybe their experiment in things you think they shouldn't. Maybe they go to college or they don't. No matter what their choices, is there anything this adult can or cannot do to make them unworthy of love?
No. Despite what choices they make, we still love them. They are still a human being. They still exist.
You were once that baby. Someone once marveled at your little toes and fingers.
You were once that toddler. Someone watched you pick flowers.
You were once that teenager. Someone listened for you to call I love you through the door.
You are now that adult. You are making mistakes and having successes, just like every other adult.
It's possible that you were raised by and around people who could not give you what you needed emotionally. But that was something happening with them and not because of you.
You are a human being. You exist.
That alone makes you worthy of love.
The only thing that changed between when you were an infant and now is your belief in whether or not you are worthy of love.
And beliefs can be changed.